Why do we blame others for our mistakes?

Have you ever noticed how people get really angry when they make a mistake? They get mad and defensive that they’ve messed up and often take it out on the first poor slob they see.

This happened to me recently. Someone had spent too much money on car maintenance. The situation did not involve me at all. I didn’t recommend the mechanic. It wasn’t my car. I wasn’t responsible for paying the bill. The whole matter was none of my business. Yet while discussing what happened, the person ended up getting mad all over again and yelling at me simply because I had the misfortune of being in his line of fire.

I wasn’t offended. I knew the person was mad at himself—and maybe the mechanic—and not at me. But it made me wonder why we behave this way when we mess up. The situation is especially worse if the matter involves losing money or losing face.

I’m a writer so I naturally wonder about these things. I like to understand why people behave the way they do. If you’re going to tell me a story, I want more than just the Who, What, Where, & How. To me, the most important consideration is Why.

Back to my earlier question—why do people get angry—furious even—at others when they mess up? I guess the most obvious explanation is it’s easier to get angry at the person who saw you fall flat on your face than it is to blame yourself for not watching where you were going.

Episodes of domestic violence are often incited when the violator has a bad day at work or similar experience. Maybe he messed up and got yelled at by the boss. He sure can’t yell back at the boss or he’ll get fired. He can’t yell at the guy in the bar or he might get his butt kicked. Instead, he laughs it off like it’s no big deal, and then goes home and takes out his frustration on the weakest target in his path. I’m sure you’ve seen someone stub a toe on a chair and kick the chair. Maybe you were the one doing the kicking. I’m sorry to say I’ve kicked plenty of chairs in my day.

The simplest explanation could be that mistakes make us feel bad. We feel stupid when we make a financial decision that ends up costing us money. We feel clumsy or awkward when we trip over our own feet. We feel inferior when we take a chance and put ourselves out there for someone we find attractive, only to have that person reject us. The only thing worse than making a mistake is for someone else to witness it. Whether it’s anger or embarrassment at getting caught, no one wants to look like an idiot. Rather than laughing it off and realizing everyone messes up sometimes, we get mad at the one who noticed.

I heard a line somewhere that basically said: Never the windshield, always the bug. That’s life. We’re going to mess up and there will probably be someone around to see it. Instead of getting mad at the witness to our humiliation—or getting mad at ourselves for being human—we need to get up, shake ourselves off, and move on. Learn what we can from the experience and try to do better next time.

How we react to what happens to us is within our control. It’s a choice we make every day. Now, I need to choose to get to work on my novel or in the next post I’ll be complaining about how I never complete any of the tasks on my to-do list.

In the meantime, leave a comment about the last time someone got mad at you over a mistake they made. Or better yet, the last time you were the one kicking the chair after stubbing your toe.

If I have my life to live over

I found this post, reputedly written by Erma Bombeck while she was dying of cancer, and decided to repost. If you're reading this, you still have time to do the truly important things in life and not let all that other garbage get you down.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute. Look at it and really see it...... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us!

How to avoid financial pitfalls that rob your peace

It’s a whole new year so we can forgive ourselves for the financial mistakes we made last year & try to do better in 2017. Right?

Every year after I do my taxes, I think about meeting with my tax professional to go over my return line by line to see what I can do better in the upcoming tax season. I do the basic Schedule C for my writing business & I know I’m missing some benefits. Now that my husband and I are staring down the gun of retirement it’s even more important to know the steps I can take now to avoid paying more in the future. Like most people, my main focus is not owing anything at the end of the year. As long as I make it over that hurdle, I don’t pay much attention to what else I’m doing. Big mistake!

So every year I tell myself I’ll set up a meeting with Mike at C&J Tax Service in Nelsonville and educate myself. Guess what? I never do. As soon as that refund is deposited into my account I don’t give my taxes another thought.

Most of our financial mistakes don’t involve big things like taxes. They’re little things we often wish we could undo, but they’re water under the bridge now. Hopefully we learn something from those little regrets and vow never to do them again. Like buying a weekender bag from QVC without reading the reviews because it was super cute and I had to hurry before they ran out of my color choice. (I chose pink and it is adorable.) As soon as I tried to roll the thing across the carpet, I realized the handle was spindly and now I’m nervous it’ll break at the most inopportune time, like in a crowded hotel lobby or while hurrying through the airport. Had I read the reviews before ordering I would’ve seen nearly everyone had concerns with the handle. I thought about it for too long and had already destroyed the box it came in so I couldn’t return it. A $79 plus tax and S&H mistake.

I guess the only way to avoid financial mistakes or regrets is to go into a situation better prepared. Read reviews. Research what you want online. Sit on a financial decision for at least a week before making it. Don’t buy Windows Vista the day it comes out like I did way back when before everyone realized it was garbage.

What about you? What money mistakes or regrets do you have from 2016? Or even yesterday? Do you spend too much money eating out? Did you buy or lease a new car and wish you’d gone down to Heritage Motor Sales instead for a great deal on something you could’ve paid cash for? Did you buy a dog at one of those incredibly inflated national chain pet stores instead of buying from a local breeder, or better yet, adopting from your local shelter? Did you do like me and spend too much on Lularoe? (My new weakness.) Do you get your nails done every 3 weeks when you could easily make them last 5?
Don’t be embarrassed. Share your monetary regrets and resolutions. Let’s learn from each other. We’re all in this together.

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Change is coming whether you're ready or not.

Inauguration Day. Some people are worried, unsettled, anxious, or just plain terrified about what may be coming. Others are elated, excited, joyful, and hopeful. Regardless of how you look forward to change, there is only one certainty—life is full of it. Wouldn’t life be boring if nothing ever changed? Especially if you are in a negative place? To think it would be like this forever. How depressing and terrible. Even if things are going well, change is a good thing. Not something to fear.

At the end of 2016 I was speaking to a young friend who couldn’t wait for the year to end. He said it had been the worst year he ever lived through. Someone he loved was battling addiction and had gotten into legal trouble. Another loved one faced medical issues, had gone through multiple surgeries, and was no better for it. According to him, 2016 and all its problems couldn’t be over soon enough.

Life doesn’t always go the way we want, whether political or otherwise. Unplanned & unwanted events can derail our plans and dreams. We want something to happen, and when it does just the way we want, we realize it was the worst thing imaginable. Or something comes along to make our plans obsolete, and we’re back at Square One. Oftentimes, it isn’t what happens but how we react to it that causes the most upheaval.

When circumstances derail your plans, do you roll with the punches and work out a new plan? Or do you sit down in the middle of the road and cry and refuse to look for a way around the detour?

I didn’t know how to explain this to my young friend. I don’t think he was ready to hear me. After we talked he was still confident 2017 was the answer to all his problems. I don’t know what he’ll do when the New Year brings problems of its own. With the passing of a day or a year or a season, our problems do not magically go away. Life is nothing but change—wanted and unwanted. We shouldn’t let those changes rob of us of the joy we can find in any situation. With changes come discovery and growth. Life wouldn’t be worth living without both of those.

Are you worried about the changes facing our nation today? Are you hopeful? What about personal changes? A new job. A new baby. A move across the country. While scary, they are also brand new opportunities to grow, experience & discover who we really are.

May God bless you & may He bless America again.

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What happened to my passion?

If you’re reading this blog you've probably noticed I haven’t been writing much lately. And not just here either. I put Ready, Set, Go! on hold in November so I could participate in NaNoWriMo, the annual National Novel Writing Month. December came with its usual challenges for making time to write. Now facing the New Year, I’m still having a hard time getting back into the habit of writing consistently…or even inconsistently.

I don’t really know why. I have two books very close to completion. I’m excited about both projects, but apparently not excited enough. It’s easy to get stuck in the rut of daily living. My day job with the Department of Commerce takes up a lot of my time and energy. Even worse for my writing production, it pays the bills and relieves me of the burden of making actual money writing.

If I only sell 36 books this month it really doesn’t matter in my finances. Nothing I own will get repossessed. If my free book promo only nets a few hundred downloads and causes no uptick in sales, it's not a big deal. I have my real job with a steady paycheck. The job that enables me to hire designers to create beautiful book covers or purchase ads from retailers to promote my giveaways is also cutting the throat of my writing career. I lack the motivation and intense incentive to keep writing as if my life—or at least my livelihood—depends on it.

I shouldn’t need the fear of starvation hanging over my head to inspire me to write. I’m a professional, right? So what’s the answer? Should I quit my job? Of course not. At least not yet. But I need to do something to get back to working consistently. I’ve always wanted to make a living from my writing, not from a job that’s little more than a paycheck and a thrift savings account. Apparently that passion is no longer strong enough or I would be working harder to achieve it.

How do I get from the image of writing books on a beach somewhere that have readers salivating for more to actually putting in the work required? The passion can only begin within me. If it’s not important enough, I won’t make it happen.

I’m either doing it or I’m not.

Only I can make it happen. Only I can fasten my rear to the chair and my fingers to the keyboard and write instead of vegging out in front of the TV night after night. I can read a thousand books on discipline and craft and productivity, but until I put what I read into practice, I risk becoming one of those people who looks back with regret at the books I never got around to writing.

The decision is with me. There are plenty of other things requiring my attention that keep me from writing. As well as a lot of things I waste my time and energy on that aren’t worth noting here. What about you? Are you struggling with a dream you’ve nearly given up on because you’ve lost your passion or excitement? Don’t give up. Make one move today that takes you closer to that dream. Join me in vowing not to live a mediocre life of regret. The passion will re-ignite as we move closer to the fire.

Don't let fear of rejection or failure define 2017

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. I don't look forward to reliving how I didn’t achieve most of my goals or how I didn’t learn anything or reach any great epiphanies. You’d think I would, being a writer and all. But it’s too discouraging to think back to last January with all its wide-open promise and potential, only to realize I’m a year older and I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I didn’t grow as an individual. I didn’t challenge myself. I didn’t change the world.

Who wants to spend a weekend dwelling on the uninspiring year that preceded this one?

We’re already nine days into 2017 & I have barely thought about today's to-do list, let alone a whole year of goals and aspirations I should be striving for.

I’ll admit it, I don’t want to make another list of goals I probably won’t reach. I’m afraid. Remember my last post in December? It was all about letting fear keep us from reaching our goals and achieving our potential. I wrote about the fear of failure that prevents us from going after what we want. The instant you think of something you want to achieve, a goal to set, or dream you’ve put off for too long, an avalanche of negativity falls upon your head, convincing you you aren’t up to the task. You failed before. You didn’t do it last time. You’ll assuredly fail again.

I don’t want that negativity to define tomorrow, let alone 2017.

It is almost certain that no matter how good you are at something, you’ll find someone else better at it. Especially in this digital age where a world of information is right at your fingertips. Think of all the poets, writers, painters, sculptors, designers, and architects of the world, past and present. Quick, name the best one in any field. You can’t since “best” is a relative term. You may love the work of a writer I find tedious. My favorite musician’s work may sound like nails on a chalkboard to you. If they are not the “best” in their profession, even though they achieved worldwide fame and acclaim, how can we hope to become the best at something? Or even pretty darn good?

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to become the best we can be. We all have something to offer, even if we’re not the best at it. You may be better than me at devising an intriguing plot that will keep a reader on the edge of her seat. You may be better at creating captivating characters or titillating dialog. There are plenty of writers who are. That doesn’t mean I should give up writing. Believe me, I’ve thought about it. I’ve read through the Top 100 paid books on Amazon with the harsh reality that one of my books may never make the list. Should I stop writing? Should I stop growing in my craft? Should I stop setting goals? Should I focus on my day job that isn’t very satisfying because it pays the bills?

Not on your life.

I will keep writing because I believe that’s what I’m meant to do. I have too many stories in my head begging to be written, and I would regret it if I didn’t at least try. I get my share of reviews that tell me I stink at writing. I also get enough reviews that tell me my stories are interesting and entertaining and readers want more to keep me plugging ahead. Even if I never got another 5-star review I like to think I’d keep producing. I can’t let the fear of failure or rejection make me look back on my life and wonder; What if I kept writing? What if I’d finished that book? What if it was my break-out novel?

Is fear keeping you from doing something you really want to do? Like going after that job promotion? Or finishing your book? Or going back to school? Or quitting school and starting your own business? Don’t do anything rash without looking at it from all angles. But don’t let fear make you settle for a mediocre life of ignoring your dreams because you might fall flat on your face. Somebody smarter than me once said; It’s not how many times you fall that count. It’s how many times you get back up.

Do you let fear of rejection make your decisions for you? Part One

I took off the month of November from blogging to focus on my fiction writing. Fiction wasn't the only distraction in November. Actually, since last year, I became a news junkie all the way through November 8th as I spent much of my time following election coverage. Even now I have to limit my time listening to the radio or watching coverage of cabinet appointments and media bias and everything else threatening to drive me out of my tree. It's finally over, and I need to get back to my life.

When I first started thinking about another blog I needed to figure out what I had to offer the world. I totally believe we all have something to offer. Some of us are encouraging or inspiring or clever or organized or great with finances or excellent chefs, and we have lots of things we can teach someone else. Many of us do not have something that clear cut. I doubt anyone reading this blog is ever going to run for president. It isn't likely we'll cure cancer or perform any other medical breakthrough to benefit mankind. Regardless, we all have things to offer. Any of us can offer a smile or a kind word or a gentle touch.

Even with my first post to Ready, Set, Go! I was bombarded by doubts on all sides that I didn't have anything to offer. Give it a try sometime. Believe for a moment you are halfway decent at something and you can teach someone else how to do that thing. Then sit back and wait for the doubts and negativity to come.

They won't just come from your inner critic. Put it out there that you want to coach Little League or write a book about the history of your state or teach people to save money or live on a budget or house train puppies. You will realize pretty quickly there are thousands already out there doing what you think you're good at, and doing it a heck of a lot better than you ever could. And if you don't realize it on your own, somebody will tell you quick, fast, and in a hurry.

I want to encourage you to ignore the critics--real or imagined. You have something to offer. Maybe you're not the best money manager with a book for sale online. Maybe Warren Buffett does not turn to you for investing advice. Maybe you haven't made any medical breakthroughs or taught someone in a third world country to read. None of that matters. You still have something to offer. We mustn't let our fears & doubts define who we are.

I have a friend who has a chance at a big promotion at work. She's been talking about moving up in her field for about two years. The promotion would force her to step out of her comfort zone. She will need additional training. She will have to deal with responsibilities she currently passes off to her boss. What if she takes the new position and she doesn't like it as much as what she's doing now? What if she can't survive the training? What if she fails? Legitimate concerns to be sure. But she was designed for this job. It is truly a calling. What if she doesn't fail? What if she is a huge success and the new position brings her a lifetime of fulfillment and contentment?

My concern for my friend is that she is allowing fear to make this tough decision for her. What a sad way to make a life decision. Or rather, avoid making a decision. That's how many of us handle doubts and rejections. We push them aside and until the opportunity passes. If she truly doesn't want the position because it isn't right for her, or she doesn't want a full time workweek, or she doesn't want to deal with the commute, then that's fine. It's her life. Of course, we must weigh all our options and how they may change our lives. But we can't let fear of failure make those decisions for us.

What decision are you facing now that you are allowing fear or doubts influence? It may have nothing to do with work or a dormant dream. It may be something with a loved one. Or a relocation. Whatever it is--however you feel compelled to step out of your comfort zone--ignore the naysayers and do what you are called to do.