This happened to me recently. Someone had spent too much money on car maintenance. The situation did not involve me at all. I didn’t recommend the mechanic. It wasn’t my car. I wasn’t responsible for paying the bill. The whole matter was none of my business. Yet while discussing what happened, the person ended up getting mad all over again and yelling at me simply because I had the misfortune of being in his line of fire.
I wasn’t offended. I knew the person was mad at himself—and maybe the mechanic—and not at me. But it made me wonder why we behave this way when we mess up. The situation is especially worse if the matter involves losing money or losing face.
I’m a writer so I naturally wonder about these things. I like to understand why people behave the way they do. If you’re going to tell me a story, I want more than just the Who, What, Where, & How. To me, the most important consideration is Why.
Back to my earlier question—why do people get angry—furious even—at others when they mess up? I guess the most obvious explanation is it’s easier to get angry at the person who saw you fall flat on your face than it is to blame yourself for not watching where you were going.
Episodes of domestic violence are often incited when the violator has a bad day at work or similar experience. Maybe he messed up and got yelled at by the boss. He sure can’t yell back at the boss or he’ll get fired. He can’t yell at the guy in the bar or he might get his butt kicked. Instead, he laughs it off like it’s no big deal, and then goes home and takes out his frustration on the weakest target in his path. I’m sure you’ve seen someone stub a toe on a chair and kick the chair. Maybe you were the one doing the kicking. I’m sorry to say I’ve kicked plenty of chairs in my day.
The simplest explanation could be that mistakes make us feel bad. We feel stupid when we make a financial decision that ends up costing us money. We feel clumsy or awkward when we trip over our own feet. We feel inferior when we take a chance and put ourselves out there for someone we find attractive, only to have that person reject us. The only thing worse than making a mistake is for someone else to witness it. Whether it’s anger or embarrassment at getting caught, no one wants to look like an idiot. Rather than laughing it off and realizing everyone messes up sometimes, we get mad at the one who noticed.
I heard a line somewhere that basically said: Never the windshield, always the bug. That’s life. We’re going to mess up and there will probably be someone around to see it. Instead of getting mad at the witness to our humiliation—or getting mad at ourselves for being human—we need to get up, shake ourselves off, and move on. Learn what we can from the experience and try to do better next time.
How we react to what happens to us is within our control. It’s a choice we make every day. Now, I need to choose to get to work on my novel or in the next post I’ll be complaining about how I never complete any of the tasks on my to-do list.
In the meantime, leave a comment about the last time someone got mad at you over a mistake they made. Or better yet, the last time you were the one kicking the chair after stubbing your toe.
